Sunday, August 23, 2009
I do not know why I am still doing the similar thing again. I told myself to stop, no more else I'll be in trouble BUT somehow I hear "voices" telling me to do it. Those "voices" maybe Syaitan. Well, I don't know. I just hear it. When I hear it, I retaliate, I react.
Since the day I had a blog, I began writing... Yes, its good.. I love writing but there are some limits especially when it comes to saying things abt pple that is not true = slandering. I know. It did happen before but they let the matter rest.
Recently, I find out that another person has discovered that I have been writing abt her (I am not referring to the one abt May 2007 entry). She came to me and wants to know the reason. It is unexpected so I can't answer but the next day after I did a whole night of thinking, I know whats my answer so I told her there are things she done or say that make me angry (I have not finished talking yet).
She got what I mean and she admitted. She knows which occasion that was. So, she read my blog or someone told her of this blog. Well, this is the power of internet. She explained to me why she said that. Ok, I get the picture but still she wants to know why I did all that and she is not jealous as what I assumed. So by saying that she is jealous, I am slandering her coz in actual fact she is not jealous. Well, can be true in a way since there is no proof shown to me that she is jealous. Why I said she is jealous is because when I complained that she said like that and the comment / reply I received - she's just jealous. So thinking that they are older than me and they know her more than me, I believed them NOT because I am close with them.
I did mention before that I must change this habit of mine. I can't just go to one person and rely on the person's answer. I also must listen to another side of story. This is what we call neutral.
Anyway, it is true that when we are angry we bound to complain to pple abt what happen - that's common, I guess coz we are human beings.. its normal. But do u know who is ur best friend when u are angry? SYAITAN.
Syaitan loves to see angriness. When Syaitans see that, u tend to do stupid things or bad things without u realizing it. Even after u do it, u will think, "oh.. its ok la.. they won't know."
Then when it was found out and got huge complication that may trigger my rice bowl or future, I got panicked (tau pun takut). I pray and asked for Allah's assistance. After that, I kept asking to myself, why must I do it again? I thought I want it to stop? What makes me do it again? Till now I can't find any answers.. Sighz.. But all I seek for is for Allah's assistance to make me stronger so that I can fight off the evil thoughts.
If that does not even work (if in future, similar thing happen again to another soul) I guess there must be something wrong with me and I have to go see a psychiatrist. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am crazy, it is better to do some checking on ourselves to know what the hell is wrong with us, am I right? Besides, a psychiatrist treat pple who not only have mental disorders / health but pple who are in depression, anxiety, stress, family problem, counselling etc etc. Maybe I am in one of the category...? Or maybe because someone done it to me, so I do it to another person?
Well, remember FMA? She did exactly the same thing to me, I go to her to ask her why she did that, she didnt reply me.. I patiently wait for her reply but she make it worse by telling to others another story.. So maybe because of what FMA did to me, evil thoughts come to my mind telling me to do it at others? I really don't know! I must find an answer to that and stop it!
I admit that it could be stress with family problems that lead me to retaliate whenever someone makes me angry. If there is a way to stop it, then seeing a psychiatrist will help BUT it is not cheap. I already have money + relationship + family problem, how to pay $$ to see psychiatrist? Sighz..
What I can do now is just to keep praying to ALLAH for his help to lead me the right path, to give me strength to fight off evil thoughts in my mind. Not good for health.
Also I admit I have a dislike in fat pple. Maybe its my grandmother. She is soo....soo.... skinny.... and whenever she saw me eat, she will go, "ah.. makan lah.. makan.. lama-lama kau gemuk... tgk la badan kau sekarang ni, nak dekat la ni.."
=.=
Because of that I very stress. I try to stay the same weight as I am so that I wont be labelled as fat. So when I see fat pple, I look at how fat they are and compared them to me. Of coz they are fatter but don't know why my dear grandmother said I am fat. Maybe I am fat in her eyes.. Anyway, when fat pple makes me angry.. sighz.. I retaliate and it got more complicated...
Last but not least... All I can say is very sorry.. thats the word I say to all those who had been affected by similar incidents before. They accept it, Alhamdulillah. They didnt, I really can't help it but to seek repentance from Allah.
I am trying my best to help myself to stop this too. I don't know why I can't control it. Don't think so this is a hobby to me, don't think so, this is human nature. I know this is something else.... I really need treatment... well, not really... maybe I only need to control my anger?
Sighz
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Dear Bloggers / Readers / Friends,
Thank you for being an avid reader of my humble blog. I understand that sometimes, ikutkan perasaan, I may just anyhow rant abt whoever and whatever in my blog. Some of the facts are real, some are not.
Please do not get me wrong. I am not saying that I like to say false things. Someone else said it to me and me being a person who believe with one-sided story believe it and out came the report in my blog.
Although this matter was 2 years ago, the person concerned called me up to clear the air. Not to worry, the person concerned is not angry but just unhappy that the false words I wrote abt her came from me.
Furthermore, the person concerned knows from WHOM I hear it from. The person concerned knows and her instincts is right when I told her. I know a few of u will be wondering whether I will be in big trouble later... I am not sure... U see, if the person concerned confront the someone who told me all that, the someone can deny it right? It's human nature.. Pple talks abt others and when others find out, confront them, they will deny it. Very common in human beings...
Besides, the matter was a 2007 matter, the someone perhaps had forgotten abt it, I guess...
Ok, to cut long story short...
Remember this link: http://puteri-maria.blogspot.com/2007/05/mc-is-da-best-policy.html ?
The person concerned called me to clarify with me. She did not blame me for all this for she knows that I am letting it all out when someone said things abt my family members. It's normal. Everyone will get angry when people talks abt their family. However, I must get facts right before posting it up.
P/S: Before I continue, I wanna stop this habit of mine for being angry unneccessarily. Because anger and evil are the best friends of Syaitan. I must fight these two thoughts and istigfar pd Allah.
The person concerned did not ever say my mum is stupid etc etc because she herself has a mother. Why I post it up then? Like I've mentioned, I heard it from someone. That someone may not like the person concerned or has a habit of telling lie so that someone told me and me being a person who thinks that older pple are always right, believe it.
So to all, if you have read the above entry 2 years ago... this is the TRUTH - She did not say those things abt my mum... The actual fact is she is segan dengan my mum coz she was loud, coloured her hair and smoked so thats why she feels uncomfortable if my mother is around. However, she did not say those things.. Hmm... maybe that someone spite me to make me hate her so she said that she's the one saying my mum is blah blah blah blah...
One final things to say... Sorry. Sorry for writing it in blog which is not true. Thanks for saying it is not my fault. This kind of habit of mine I have to change it.. From now on, I will not listen to one side of story anymore.. I have to listen to both and with my own judgment, I will decide who is right.
// I have gotten into trouble regarding these similar things before, so I do NOT want anymore trouble, from now on I'll be extra careful.. //
Once again sorry and thanks for clarifying it with me.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The 10th victim of H1N1 - my colleague.
She will be missed by all of us. She is a nice lady. Always smiling and cheerful. Never ever I saw her black face. She always seems happy.
12 August at 3am, she held her last breathe. Every one in ECSF knows abt her death VIA smses on the way to work. Me? I only got to know abt her death when I reached the office! Why can't anyone inform me? Just because I am not close to her? Just because I seldom talk to her UNLESS it is work? C'mon la! We're colleagues, is it wrong to inform me?
The company chartered a bus service to bring majority of the usto the Pusaraaman. Her body was laid to rest at abt 4.45pm. I can see some of my colleagues were in tears - tears of emotional. Just like myself... I was sobbing while at the funeral because I couldn't help myself; I am always emotional.
The late JK is a good example to the Muslims. Shame on those who are born Muslims; including myself. Why? She was born Chinese but a Muslim convert (and she died as a Muslim, a very Iman Muslim) and I salute her husband for leading her strongly as a Muslim.
She never miss her prayers, always zakat (gives to charity), she fasts (pays back her fast for those days she didnt fast - I believe she did so) and she has even performed her haj. FYI, I sometimes miss my prayers, I sometimes zakat and though I fast, I never take the effort to pay back my fast. This is NOT a good quality of a Muslim. What the late JK did is a good example for us, Muslim to lead the right path - InsyaAllah
I can relate to u one incident.
Every year in December the landlord will give to its tenants (those offices la) a cake as a Christmas day cake. I have no idea that whether the cake can be eaten or not (halal or non-halal). I thought that all cakes can be eaten.. I didnt realize that if there is one haram ingredient in the cake, we can't consume it.
I happily went to the pantry and asked for the cake. I guess, she must have heard a few pple in the office, mentioning, "MBS go and get the cake..." or something like that. So, when I just arrived at my workstation, she took the trouble to go to my workstation from her workstation to warn me that there's ALCOHOL in the cake.
See, a Chinese Muslim did that. Can a true born muslim be just like her? I don't think so. I have eyes, I can see for myself. There are alot of those born muslims who brought their lunch and ate their lunch in the office but NEVER pray. At least, I will pray my Zuhur prayers after my lunch (if I stayed in the office to eat my lunch). Not only that, after I ended up work at abt 6pm, I did my prayers for Asar. How many born Muslims in the office did that? Well, only myself, 3 others, Kak OLIN and of course Allahyathamah JK. The rest? After they had ended work, they rushed home / out or anywhere la..
P/S: I don't give a hoot if the other Muslims heard abt what the late JK said to me abt the cake. They want to consume the alcoholic cake, its their business... If u're asking, why didnt Kak Olin warn me since we're close? she is from 37th floor. The rest of the depts are at 30th floor..
I will always pray to ALLAH that I want to be a true Muslim just like Allahyarhamah JK. She is one example we can follow.
Kak Ju, May ALLAH Bless Your Soul. I will recite Doa Al-Fatehah to u in my prayers, InsyaAllah.
Amin
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The H1N1 has claimed another life, making the figure to be 10th. The 10th victim is my colleague of ECSF.
Sources taken from, "http://www.channelnewsasia.com/cna/cgi-bin/search/search_7days.pl?status=&search=H1N1&id=448437"
A 43-year-old woman is Singapore's latest Influenza A (H1N1)-related victim - the 10th in the country.
She passed away at Changi General Hospital's intensive care unit on Wednesday morning.
An ambulance had taken her to the hospital's emergency department after she was found unconscious at home.
The Health Ministry said she had fever, cough and flu-like symptoms for over a week.
The patient was diagnosed with pulmonary tuberculosis in 2004 and had since completed treatment.
Her death was certified as bronchopneumonia which was contributed by the H1N1 infection.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Today marks my country, Singapore's 44th birthday.
The NDP will commence later on at 6.15pm and I will recite the pledge at 8.22pm, the least I can do as a Singaporean.
We, the citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves as one united people
Regardless of race, language or religion
To build a democratic society
Based on justice and equality
So as to achieve happiness, prosperity
And progress for our nation.