Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Beaten down,used and discarded
Forgotten,alone and broken hearted
Should have known it was to good to be true
When I put all my faith in you
I wish that I had only known
I would have been better off alone
Is this the way it had to be
Your cruel words drew blood from me
Did you wish to cause me pain
You succeeded with your cold disdain
Allow me the comfort of my tears
For the lie of these past years
Why did it have to take so long
Before I realized I had been wrong
That our feelings were never the same
To you I must have been just a game
So now the time has come to part
You have broke my heart
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Stronger....
I only can tell u, u will be stronger den before if u walk out from the shadow.....friends can be there to guide u, help u but to really walk out from the shadow u got to depend on yourself. Cheers!
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
So far..its already my fifth day werking... (My werking days are Tuesdays to Fridays).. And guess who I will be going to c every Tues to Fri at my werkplace?
TRIPLE NOIZE!!!
Well, just one member frm Triple Noize..the indian guy.. How come? Well, he is helping out his family's stall at the canteen.. So, everytime lunch time, I get to c him and chat with him.. Sometimes, I do buy frm him.. But must be fair mah to the malay stall beside.. ryt?
Saturday, June 12, 2004
No wonder I heard a gal's voice on the other line the other day! And sumhow, I have this feeling that he wanted to tell me about it but he feaed I may be hurt. Its not may be hurt! I am REALLY HURT! Coz by keeping it form me; stabbing me in the dark, it hurts me MORE!
I dun knw if that gal is his ex and they patched things up or what lah but he admitted to it via SMS he has another gal and thats the reason why all the avoidance.
How do I start an SMS conversation with him? Whatever my hear wants to say! First sms: Can u not make it obvious to the other volunteers that we're not talking? I'm not used to it. Plz..
He replied, "So leave it as that can? I'm busy. *He's busy?* He always used that as an excuse. I send another SMS: That's always the reason u gave - I'm busy, I'm tired,' but u can still talk to others not me. Sometimes I wonder is this the way how a guy shld treat a gal?
His reply was, "Wateva." Huh? Only 1 word and its wateva? I still do not give up. I send another sms: Where is the gentleman Z whom I am atracted to??
His next reply brought me to tears. I broke down. Whatever I was holding, I dropped them except for my hp. I dun care the student members around me. I dun care if they noticed me. The reply was, "Another gal has his heart. So I hope u understand."
After reading that SMS, I rushed to whichever room my legs wants to take me and once I'd reached to that particular room, I broke down and continue crying. While I was crying, I called Aiin. I poured all my tears to her.
When I was crying, I wonder. Why do I cry? I have neva cry for a guy before so why is this time I cry? Why?! I need some ans quick!!
If that gal was his ex and they patched things up, I can understand. But if that gal is a new gal, so why her instead of me? Why he broke my heart? Why?!! Why he do this? Why he toyed with my feelings?! Why?!! Why?!!
Ainn advised me to forget him and moved on with my life. Which is what I will try to do starting from today.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Just got back frm "melawat org meninggal".. A distant relative passed away today and me n my grandma went to "melawat".. We got home quite late and also, I didnt realize it is Thursday!!
Guess wat? Tmr is WESSC camp!!! My oh my!! How time flies.. Wanna knw sumting? Hehe.. My first time camping leh!! All my life!! Same thing, my grandma..she everything..tis cannot, tat cannot..
U knw wat? I lied to her saying this camp is COMPULSORY for the volunteers...!! Haha.. If i say I just wanna help out, she will say NO!! She dun like me to go for these things!! She dun mind me volunteering but not to this extent!! *WAT?*
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
I dun knw whats wrong with him! He has been avoiding my calls, SMS and he has stopped sending the lovely messages as well as calling me! WHY?!
Yestday, met him at WESSC. He didn talk to me but I started the conversation withhim. He talked to me as usual but he kept a distance from me. WHY?
I'd even asked him to call me later that nite as I really need to talk to him. But he didnt. When I called, he didnt answer!
I'd sent him an SMS today regarding the same thing:- Call me - Need to talk. He replied! But his reply made me suspicious. His reply read: Ok, but I'm in a making out session witha gal." What did he mean by that?
However, he did call 15mins later. I began to ask him why wasnt he in a mood to talk to me last nite. His reply was, "Nothing, juz tired." Hmm, I think he wanted to tell me something coz he told me that he will call me as he was busy. I asked, "Oh..helping sumone with a problem." He juz said, "yeah."
For almost an hour, he didnt call me! I cant take it anymore! I called him. He answered my call thouh, but as he was answering, I heard a gal's voice saying in an angry manner, "Who's that?" Before I could say "Hello", he told me this, "I'm in the middle of sumthing here." I was dissappointed. "Oh, so u're busy? Sorry then. Call u later." But when I called him in an hour's time, he switched off his hp! I'm so FCUKED up. What's wrong with him?
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Dear Maria,
As i told you the other day,look high on yourself. Do not care much abt what people think of you. The most important thing is when you look high upon yourself,& walk in your own shadow,people will automatically respect you for being more independent & confident.No one in this world likes to be gossiped;so it's our duty to overcome it. No matter who we are,what we do,& where we stand,irregardless superstars or junkies,there's always things abt us that people will talk abt.If you happen to come across one,just give a smile to it and walk away. Don't worry,you'll lose nothing.The more gossips you get,the more credits you own & the more regrets they suffer!! For e.g. If A were to call B stupid,B will become cleverer than A. & if A were to criticize B in terms of capabilities,appearance,egiblities, day by day B will become more than what A expected.
The moral of the story is to build in more confidence & self-motivation. Do not eat everything you see out there or you'll be just like snowhite. Keep the goods and throw away the bads. Remember!! It's you who lead your own life. You will decide what kind of life you want..so do not let other people take control of you UNLESS the right way & for the betterment.
Ainn.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Today is my last day working at KFC Ginza Plaza. Exactly 4 months I had worked there. Why do I quit? My mum wants me to quit And besides, I've got a new job!! I will be starting on 15 June(after WESSC camping).
That job was supposedly be a full time but I blurted out that I am still schooling. DAMN! However, the boss is nice. He allows me to work part time for him. Usual office hours are 8.30am to 5.30pm but for my case is 9.30am to 3.30pm. If i overshot;which is if I havent finish my werk, i will end at 5.30pm and it is consider overtime pay!! Cool huh?!
Damn!!! There goes my chance of becoming the very 1ST Singapore Idol contestant!! Why, wat happened?
Ok, I thot the auditions was yesterday(5 June)! To think it's today!! But the application form stated that 5 June is the registration AND audition AND only FIRST 500 applicants are been called for audition!! That was why I didnt turned up today!!Yeah, today the registration is still on!! So is the audition!!!
Anyway, on 4 June, I heard news that the queue was already close to 500 plus as of 3 June!! So, I dun think Im gonna be the lucky 500 by 7.30am, 5 June!! And wanna knw more? I got a call frm Muneerah yesterday telling me tat I could still register for the Singapore Idol but audition will be today.
I was excited!! Muneerah told me tat it was such an overwhelming response so they decided to take in more pple!! Guess how many pple were at the registration? More than 2000!!! Shit! Like that ah, I can also be one among the crowds!! Damn!! There goes my chance!!
DAMN! I just heard from Perfect 10 that the registration wil be reopen again until 8pm today!! I still cant make it!! Because I have to work later at 5pm shift! Last day of werk sum more!! If i am not working today,maybe I wld head down to Suntec City for the auditions/registration. *sigh* Bad Luck!! *Why am i so bad luck in talent shows?*
Neva mind if I cant be the first Singapore Idol contestant, I can always be the next Singapore Idol.. Hahaha...
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Dear Maria,
I've reminisced and analyzed your problems and through my evaluations,it's just a minor conflict which is actually not a problem at all. As a friend i strongly advise you to leave this murky place and get your feet on to a better ground.This guy is not a good guy! He won't take you as a serious partner!! I think i don't have to give you a reason for my answer as you can see it clearly before your eyes.Everytime when you come closer to him,he'll move away.He didn't even want to answer your calls and reply your smses...
Let me tell you one thing Maria,if a man loves a woman sincerely,he won't bathe you with a pail full of "SWEET TALKS". In fact he'll shower you his caresses and concerns.So don't easily get caught with their act.Study that person deeply before you commit yourself.Prove him that he's not the only man left on earth. Prove him WRONG!!!! Remember that life is big,so live it to the fullest! I'm sure you're smart enough to get a good guy.So don't think too much k.Sorry for the late reply but whatever it is,i'll stand by your side.If you're not satisfied with my perceptions,do a soulsearhcing and you'll find the answers perhaps.Good Luck!!
Friday, June 04, 2004
A friend of mine (in my friendster list) post this in the Friendster's Bulletin Board.. Some of u are not members of friendster so I wld like to share this with u..
Everything that happens in this world,
there is no absolute good or bad.
Sometimes good things turned out to be
bad things eventually,
while bad things become a gain.
Whatever good things happen to you, enjoy it,
dun hold on too tight to it, treat it
as a surprise in your life.
Whatever bad things happen to you,
dun feel too bad or despair cause
in the end it might not be a total bad thing afterall.
If one can understand this,
he or she will find life much easier.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Ainn's email to me:
Hi, Maria.. I extracted dis frm sumwhere...enjoy reading..
Love is to risk rejection
When you think of your past love, you may view itas a failure.
But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.
In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost.
What is important is you know when to hold on andwhen to let go!
You know you really love someone
when you want him or her to be happy, even if
their happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back,
don't be afraid to love someone else again,
for you'll never know unless you give it a try.
You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.
Love strives in hurting. If you
don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.
Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the
hurting is still there to test you, to help you
grow. Don't find love, let love find you.
That'swhy it's called falling in love because you don't
force yourself to fall. You just fall. You cannot
finish a book without closing it's chapters.
I fyou want to go on, then you have to leave the
past as you turn the pages.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won
by a single caress.It is a lifetime venture in which we are always
learning, discovering and growing. The greatest
irony of love is letting go when you need to hold
on and holding on when you need to let go. We
lose someone we love only when we are destined to
find someone else who can love us even more thanwe can love ourselves.
On falling out of love,take some time to heal and
then get beckon the horse.
But don't ever make the same mistake of
riding the same one that threw you the first time.
To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk
dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must
be taken because the greatest hazard in life is
risk nothing! To reach for another is to risk
involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose
true self, to love is to risk not to be loved in
return. How to define love: fall but do not
stumble, be constant but not too persistent,
share and never be unfair, understand and try not
to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it
can carve wonderful images into the soul that
always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to
be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire
you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes
the things that give you joy can also hurt you in
the end. Loving people means giving them the
freedom who they choos e to be and where they
choose to be. For all the heartaches and the
tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you
should give thanks, for you know, that there were
the things that helped you grow.
Loving someone means giving him the freedom to
find his way, whether it leads towards you or
away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but
the risk must be taken no matter how scary or
painful, for only then you'll experience the
fullness of humanity and that is love.
Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with
desire and tear you apart.
Only love can make you cry and
only love knows why.
If you're not ready to cry,
if you're not ready to take the risk,
if you're not ready to feel the pain,
then you're not ready to fall in love.
There was a time in our lives when
we became afraid to fall in love 'coz every time
we do, we get hurt, then i figured that's why
it's called falling in love.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
No man/woman is worth your tears
and the only one who is, will never make you cry.
If you love someone,
put their name in a circle, instead of a heart,
because hearts can break,
but circles go on forever.
Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them,
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
"Don't frown, because you never know
who's falling in love with your smile!"
"If you judge people, you have
no time to love them"
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is
fighting a harder battle." Plato
It takes a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
My appearance:
I'm Malay...NOT Chinese neither an Indonesian not even a Philippine... Heez...I'm getting tired of it wen everytime peepz asked if i'm a Singaporean but well, I still can tolerate wif it... And some Britney Spears songs which coincides with my life.. (",)
My Life:
I am overprotected
Read the lyrics of Britney Spears' Overprotected..and u will understand tat my life is as coincidenece as the lyrics..
Hello to the girl that i am
Youre gonna have to see through my perspective
I need to make mistakes just to learn who i am
And i dont wanna be so damn protected
What am i to do with my life?
How am i supposed to know whats right?
I can't help the way i feel
But my life has been so overprotected!
I dont need nobody telling me just what want
What im gonna do about my destiny
I'm so fed up with people telling me to be
Someone else but me!
* I am getting sick n tired of my life been overly protected!! Argh!! I cant do this n tat.. I have to follow this n tat!! Sometimes, I envy my friends... when they reached 18, they went clubbing and discos for the first n last time to have the experience.. BUT ME? I cant... Hmm...i wonder how was it like to be at clubs and discos.. Also, I cant be late by a few minutes.. if they told me to reach hm at a certain time and i was late by slightly few minutes.. I'll receive a call!! Dun they knw tat I'm using SingTel? No free incoming calls?!! And when the bill shoots up, they put the blame on me!!*
NOT A GAL NOT YET A WOMAN
Im not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While Im in between
Im not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that i
Learned to face up to this on my own
Ive seen so much more than you know now
So dont tell me to shut my eyes
* In the eyes of my family, I am still a (baby) girl!! And due to tat, pple ard me who dun really knw me thinks I havent grow up! And I am still immature.. Well, i cant blame them... I have to blame myself for having a family like tat.. Sigh.. when will I be a grown up in their eyes *
Lucky
She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night
* I may loiok cheerful...lively..friendly and if I'm too tired.. then STRESS look on my face.. But u will neva knw wat is missing in my life.. Sometimes i cry n when I think of it... alone at nite in my room.. Although I shared a room with my grandma, she didnt knw I cried coz I cried silently in my heart.. UNLESS i did someting tat provoke her till she hurl abusive words at me.. But only my close friends will knw..why i always cry.. *