Sunday, August 23, 2009
I do not know why I am still doing the similar thing again. I told myself to stop, no more else I'll be in trouble BUT somehow I hear "voices" telling me to do it. Those "voices" maybe Syaitan. Well, I don't know. I just hear it. When I hear it, I retaliate, I react.
Since the day I had a blog, I began writing... Yes, its good.. I love writing but there are some limits especially when it comes to saying things abt pple that is not true = slandering. I know. It did happen before but they let the matter rest.
Recently, I find out that another person has discovered that I have been writing abt her (I am not referring to the one abt May 2007 entry). She came to me and wants to know the reason. It is unexpected so I can't answer but the next day after I did a whole night of thinking, I know whats my answer so I told her there are things she done or say that make me angry (I have not finished talking yet).
She got what I mean and she admitted. She knows which occasion that was. So, she read my blog or someone told her of this blog. Well, this is the power of internet. She explained to me why she said that. Ok, I get the picture but still she wants to know why I did all that and she is not jealous as what I assumed. So by saying that she is jealous, I am slandering her coz in actual fact she is not jealous. Well, can be true in a way since there is no proof shown to me that she is jealous. Why I said she is jealous is because when I complained that she said like that and the comment / reply I received - she's just jealous. So thinking that they are older than me and they know her more than me, I believed them NOT because I am close with them.
I did mention before that I must change this habit of mine. I can't just go to one person and rely on the person's answer. I also must listen to another side of story. This is what we call neutral.
Anyway, it is true that when we are angry we bound to complain to pple abt what happen - that's common, I guess coz we are human beings.. its normal. But do u know who is ur best friend when u are angry? SYAITAN.
Syaitan loves to see angriness. When Syaitans see that, u tend to do stupid things or bad things without u realizing it. Even after u do it, u will think, "oh.. its ok la.. they won't know."
Then when it was found out and got huge complication that may trigger my rice bowl or future, I got panicked (tau pun takut). I pray and asked for Allah's assistance. After that, I kept asking to myself, why must I do it again? I thought I want it to stop? What makes me do it again? Till now I can't find any answers.. Sighz.. But all I seek for is for Allah's assistance to make me stronger so that I can fight off the evil thoughts.
If that does not even work (if in future, similar thing happen again to another soul) I guess there must be something wrong with me and I have to go see a psychiatrist. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am crazy, it is better to do some checking on ourselves to know what the hell is wrong with us, am I right? Besides, a psychiatrist treat pple who not only have mental disorders / health but pple who are in depression, anxiety, stress, family problem, counselling etc etc. Maybe I am in one of the category...? Or maybe because someone done it to me, so I do it to another person?
Well, remember FMA? She did exactly the same thing to me, I go to her to ask her why she did that, she didnt reply me.. I patiently wait for her reply but she make it worse by telling to others another story.. So maybe because of what FMA did to me, evil thoughts come to my mind telling me to do it at others? I really don't know! I must find an answer to that and stop it!
I admit that it could be stress with family problems that lead me to retaliate whenever someone makes me angry. If there is a way to stop it, then seeing a psychiatrist will help BUT it is not cheap. I already have money + relationship + family problem, how to pay $$ to see psychiatrist? Sighz..
What I can do now is just to keep praying to ALLAH for his help to lead me the right path, to give me strength to fight off evil thoughts in my mind. Not good for health.
Also I admit I have a dislike in fat pple. Maybe its my grandmother. She is soo....soo.... skinny.... and whenever she saw me eat, she will go, "ah.. makan lah.. makan.. lama-lama kau gemuk... tgk la badan kau sekarang ni, nak dekat la ni.."
=.=
Because of that I very stress. I try to stay the same weight as I am so that I wont be labelled as fat. So when I see fat pple, I look at how fat they are and compared them to me. Of coz they are fatter but don't know why my dear grandmother said I am fat. Maybe I am fat in her eyes.. Anyway, when fat pple makes me angry.. sighz.. I retaliate and it got more complicated...
Last but not least... All I can say is very sorry.. thats the word I say to all those who had been affected by similar incidents before. They accept it, Alhamdulillah. They didnt, I really can't help it but to seek repentance from Allah.
I am trying my best to help myself to stop this too. I don't know why I can't control it. Don't think so this is a hobby to me, don't think so, this is human nature. I know this is something else.... I really need treatment... well, not really... maybe I only need to control my anger?
Sighz
