Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear FMA,
I just wanna know. Let's say u're still not engaged and still single (like me).. Do u have any expectations in a guy? Let me be frank with u.. actually I do... I'm doing this coz of my family.. becoz it runs in the family.. so I'll have to follow suit though I dun mind..
My family are all of equal / same level.. Meaning: O level marry O level or Diploma.. Diploma marry Diploma or O level / ITE grad. ITE grad marry A / O / N Level.. Degree holder marry degree holder / Diploma grad.. and the list goes on..
I have no choice but in order not to make my family lose face.. I expect whoever guy out there who wish to befriend me and InsYaAllah be my soulmate is of the same level (Degree or Diploma) but I kept thinking this to myself: If they are of the same level as us, can they make us happy? Thats the ultimate question...
As u know.. my friend's brother has been fetching me from work almost everyday, meeting me at every lunch time and Iftar together twice.. He is younger than me and his level of education is only NTC-3 (he didnt complete his NTC-2 + he does not have any secondary school education - after 7 yrs in Primary School, he went straight to ITE). NTC stands for National Technical Certificate. I dun mind as long as he has a qualification; which means dia pun pernah ke sekolah la... However, say if I am FATED by ALLAH to have this guy as soul mate.. MY FAMILY especially my grandmother will sure has objections:
1) he's younger than me (my grandmother prefers the woman to be younger than the man... she said thats the standard.. because she finds it really weird woman older than the man..)
2) he's lower educated than me (u jolly well know why I studied for my degree. I was been pressurized by my grandmother! She didnt want me to study degree.. but she kept saying this to me: "U see (this cousin).. study only 4 yrs in secondary school, now a degree student... U take a look (at another cousin) did well in PSLE see, now Express stream.. But u?! Have to spend 5 yrs in secondary school in Normal stream!")
The way she sounds is as if she is really disappointed that I went to Normal Academic stream. She thinks Normal Academic is "no hope for future." She thinks Normal Academic + Normal Technical are the same. She also thinks that ITE means "ITS THE END." Thats why I never even want to enter ITE after my O levels though most of my relatives advised me to just go ahead after which I can be enroll to a polytechnic but I didnt want to becoz of my grandmother.. She wants pple to think highly of me.. Which clearly means, if I go ITE.. definitley not high enuff.. Fine. I'll do just that just for her.. Take private diploma.
Anyway, some of my friends told me that if a guy ask a woman out, "thats first step." Indeed it is first step coz he has been fetching me and seeing me during lunch time and etc etc.. Because of my grandmother I'm scared that I may hurt him should he sound to me that he treats me more than just a friend. I constantly been repeating my sms to him that I treat him like a friend. He never seem to give up. He treats me more like a friend. But what abt my grandmother?
The reply:
MBS, educational / age / family sake has got nothing to do with love / relationship. As long as u feel comfortable / secure with him. Hey! U are wrong to say that u do this for family sake! It's u who get married in future, not your family! Once married, u have to listen to your future husband whatever he wants from u... U cant do anything like to run all your family expenses co u are someone's wife so have to respect his decisions / wishes e.g, if he doesnt want u to do something for your family, u have to obey his orders but u still feel bad or think they are your own family. So u have to reason with him as if both of u draw a line (give / take). U still have to run your own expenses to your family.
Man's expectations for woman is intelligent, good-looking, simple, etc... depends on his liking. No matter if u have high education or older than him coz all men always come as head of the house. If your family (your grandmother to be precise) objects to your relationship with him due to educational and age problem, it shows that they are old-fashioned and hard for u to find one in future if u were to reject this guy because of your grandmother. Moreover, I can sense that the guy is sincere abt love toward u..
Also U have to think why u come from a broken family. If u dont want same history happening in your life due to your mom's broken marriage, therefore U have to do for your own happiness. If U di for your family sake, it shows U look for more problems in your life. It's your own fault, not family. They will point at U to accuse that U are a problematic woman.
Remember my fiance? U met him b4. Look at him. Why he uses crutches / walking stick though he has masters and I only a degree holder? Even he is older than me. Also we have so many ups / downs. That's why our sailing life is not smooth as long as we love each other. We learn how to take / give into each other. We've been engaged for 5 yrs!
It's still alright for u to befriend with him. If u are scared, he may do silly things towards u, U have to explain to him that U need time to stabilise yourself 1st. No need to tell him alot your family problems / your weakness points. Just let him do a search on U when both of U are friends. If he is serious abt U, U have to ask him to respect U.
Maybe U can tell your family that U bring him as a friend (maybe on raya visiting - best day) coz your family cant say anything bad abt him on Syawal month coz he's only a friend - to you. But I'm not sure whether u are a friend to him. It's pretty normal for a guy to ask U out like dating for both of U to know each other better to see what pros / cons both of U have. How to improve if U like him.
FYI, my cousin has a degree while her husband has only NITEC in Engineering yet they are loving couple with 2 kids. My adoptive mother has a Masters. My adoptive father only has O levels.. and they've been married for 35 yrs already! Though I am engaged, I have to take care of my mom-in-law 1st b4 my adoptive parents.
Luckily they are understanding through they are unhappy coz they think I may neglect them 1 day. So I have to balance my time management with them all include my friend's meeting. So U should know how to balance time with your friends, family and boyfriend (if he really is going to be your boyfriend in future) otherwise you'll regret for that.
P/S: Tomorrow is my mum's birthday + also Hari Raya so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM and SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN
