Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sumhow for the first time, I do not have the mood to celebrate Raya. This year, I celebrate Raya without the presence of my grandfather because he has passed away last year. I thought things will be smoother for my family after he left this world. To thing, it gotten worse.
My step dad still treat my grandmother like a stranger. My grandmother got scared or uncomfortable whenever he's around. My grandmother kept repeating, "If only you are already 30++ yrs old, u can buy a house and leave this place." So I also stress myself. I recalled that I personally called a HDB customer representative a few months back whether it is possible for sumone of my age to apply a house. According to the representative, age 21 and above, can apply the house but has to bring an elderly along. If 30 or 35 and above, can apply the house and lived alone. Hmm, I am qualified for the first requirement however, I need to be financially stable first..
Remember the fraud thing? Because of that, I am ALWAYS BROKE.. I confessed I borrowed $$ from friends because I do not have enuff to pay my sch fees. Of coz, I pay them back the following month. I am still broke despite borrowing from friends.. Sighz..
I even resorted to take the EZCash Loan. The rule for taking up the loan, 21 and above earn more than $1600. I hit the requirement but a friend of mine wish to take up the loan before and though she was already 22, should she need a loan of up to $6000, she would need to have a gurantor who is above 24 yrs old earning more than $1600, because she wasnt 24 yrs old yet.
I took up the loan. I know. I havent reached 24 when I took up the loan because I took it in August and I will be officially 24 on 7th December. I can wait after 7th December for the loan but I insist on the loan and asked a few of my friends who are already 24 and earned higher than $1600 to be a gurantor for me. None want to take the risk. I understood their fear and problem so I called the customer care of GECash if it would be possible for me to take up the loan without a gurantor. I was given the approval that I am permitted to take up the loan but only up to $3000.
Although the amount sounds little, I agreed still. Why do I desperately need a loan that bad? Because of the fraud thing. I used my grandma's and mum's money in order to "get my winnings". I felt guilty. So, I took up the loan just to repay them and I know the amount STILL not enuff. I actually need, about $1500 more! Only my mum knows that I took up the loan but I told her NOT to inform my grandma about it as I do not want my grandma to worry. My grandma had advised me not to take hasty decision especially when it comes to financial stuffs. Its not that I am disobedient. Ajal maut tiada siapa yg tau. Life is unpredictable. I do not want the same thing happen again. My late grandfather gave me the sum of $12500 for me to further my studies. That sum of money, was for downpayment. I promised that I will return him the money when I have a stable job. I havent even worked in Donaldson for a yr and he has left this world without waiting for me to repay my debts to him. Who knows, one fine day.. my grandma too left this world without waiting for me to repay my debts to her? So, I have to act urgently on this and just took up the loan to repay her.
And because of the loan, I am in debt! I have another $1500 left to repay both my mum and my grandma, the monthly instalments of the GECAsh. Guess what? for almost 3 months, I have not been paying my school fees! Yes! I had explain to the school but the school allows me to PAY THE OUTSTANDING AMOUNT before my Jan exam! Otherwise, I cant take the exam, which means... I cant gRAduaTE!!! Debts! Debts! Debts!
That was why I had no mood to celebrate Raya. Oh, I bought a pair of baju kurung for raya. It is black in colour designed with green and yellow flowers. I didnt even wear that for raya. Not even on 1st day or 2nd day of raya. Although I would like to have a black outfit for this year's raya, I didnt have the mood to wear black for this year's raya la. So, I wore my mum's baju kurung for this year's 1st day and 2nd day. Yeah, I can fit her size. *who says I am fat?! I am not fat! My mum's slim and I can fit her clothes! :P*
Btw, for the first time and for every year on Hari Raya onwards, my family would visit the Muslim Cemetary first thing in the morning every Raya. Yestday, we went there. We recite doas for my late grandfather. Tears went down my cheeks. I cant help to stop the emotioness in me. I recalled of what happen almost a year ago. I WASNT THERE WHEN HE CALLED OUT EVERYONES' NAME before HE HELD HIS LAST BREATHE..I WASNT THERE. . . . My late grandfather tak sempat tgk aku for the last time. The same goes for me. The moment we reached kubur my arwah grandfather, my step dad recite the surah Yasin. I said silently to my heart (I know it may sounds crazy but I dun care..), "Grandpa.. I am here. Ur granddaughter is here. Granny send her regards, she cant be here because she has to welcome guests. I came to recite doas for you biar roh atuk dicucuri rahmat (I have no idea how to translate this in english). Grandpa, today is raya. I would like to seek forgiveness to you should I commit any mistakes in the past when you were alive. Harap murah kan rezeki Maria dan halalkan makan dan minum. I love you, grandfather." After I said that to my heart, I recite Al-Fateha doa. (As I was writing this, I cried..I'm sure if you happen to read this.. you may cry too..)
Sorry for being too emotional... K, to avoid being too emotional for this blog, lets enlighten you with photos I took for raya today and yesterday.. Mohd Haziq Danial, my step step nephew (because his dad is my step dad's nephew) so adorable!! so cute!!! =) So are Muhd Amirul Syafiq and Muhd Amirul Syahril or Syahid? (the mother of both syafiq and syahril/syahid is my step dad's niece). Pictures of Nurasha Sukrina (my step step niece as her father is the nephew of my step father - the nephew of my step dad and the mother of Syafiq/Syahid are cousins), since she was there so her pics will also be posted here.. How adorable! :D
Enjoy the pics pple and sempena hari raya ini, I would like to seek your forgiveness should any of my rantings or entries in my blog tend to be too abusive, too bland or whatever lah that it sumhow upsets you.. I hope you can forgive me.
SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!
MOHD HAZIQ DANIEL
NURASHA SUKRINA
MUHD AMIRUL SYAHID/SYAHRIL
The brother, MUHD AMIRUL SYAFIQ (in white)
